The Things You Never Wanted To Know

Parenting is a learning curve. All new parents understand the frustration of figuring out how to care for a new baby, whether it be the meaning of different-sounding cries, recognizing the "poopy-face," or how to assemble those darn Dr. Brown's bottles. However, parenting a child with special needs is a whole other ball of wax. There are quite a few things I've learned since becoming Sadie's mom that I never thought I'd need to know, nor ever wanted to know.

Here is a sampling:
- How to check for placement of an NG tube
- The names of the parking garage cashiers at Children's Memorial Hospital
- mg per kg calculations for Sadie's medicines
- How to put a regulator on an oxygen tank
- The definitions of fancy medical terms like hypsarrhythmia, hemispherectomy, and corpus callosum
- How to turn a hospital chair into a bed

Last week we were introduced to yet another thing that we never wanted to know. I've mentioned previously that a few of Sadie's doctors have questioned whether she has a metabolic or mitochondrial disease in addition to Aicardi Syndrome. Thus far, all the initial testing has come back negative. During our visit to Cleveland Clinic last week, we met with a doctor who specializes in this area. Despite the initial testing coming back negative, he explained that he strongly believes that an additional mitochondrial diagnosis does exist. He equated the initial blood and urine tests to fishing in a pond. Sometimes there are a bunch of fish there, but you don't catch any.

The problem with mitochondrial disease is there isn't a foolproof way to diagnose it, nor are there great treatment options. Diagnostic tests in order of least to most effective include: spinal tap, skin biopsy, and muscle biopsy (cutting a 2-3 inch incision in the thigh to extract about 1 cm of muscle). But even the muscle biopsy can miss a diagnosis 20% of the time. If they DO find that Sadie has a mitochondrial disease, treatment would include a vitamin regimen and some additional supplements to help the mitochondria function more effectively.

So...you're probably asking, what does this mean? Mitochondrial disease is scary stuff. Back to Biology 101, the mitochondria in the cell convert food into energy. When they don't work properly, kids get sicker faster, have a harder time recovering, eventually cells start dying, organs fail...you probably can fill in the rest.

So where does that leave Sadie? The doctor explained that some parents of medically-complex kids just decide to let it be an unanswered question. They just don't want to put their child through the diagnostic tests that may or may not yield results. Other parents do all the testing. Adin and I aren't yet sure what we'll do.

We went to Cleveland seeking some answers about pursuing brain surgery for Sadie, and left with a whole other set of questions. The initial feedback from the doctors is that a mitochondrial disease would not prevent them from doing surgery. There would be additional precautions the docs would take during surgery.

In deciding whether or not to do surgery, a few things the doctors said really hit home for us both. The neurosurgeon said that it is unlikely that the part of the brain they are proposing to remove (right frontal and parietal lobes) is doing anything besides causing seizures due to the extent of malformation. When discussing risks of the surgery, the the head epileptologist pointed out that yes, there are risks to the surgery, but there are also risks to having uncontrolled epilepsy for a lifetime.

So, we are going to pursue brain surgery for Sadie. It hasn't been an easy decision, but we feel like it is her best chance of gaining some seizure control. And, even if we see little or no improvement, at least we will know that we tried everything we could to give her a better quality of life.

In the meantime, we are letting the news about the additional mitochondrial disease settle in before we decide which diagnostic testing we'll pursue, if any. Yet another thing we never wanted to know...but we'll get through it. What would you do it if was your child?

My Own Dose of Perspective

So, I was feeling a little guilty after my last blog post. You see, I didn't want anyone to think I was making reference to them when I was speaking about perspective. It was more of a general statement, not referencing any one person in particular. But that's the problem with generalities, folks tend to think you are talking about them. That was truly not my intention, so if I offended anyone, I apologize. Shortly after I posted that last blog entry, I was given my own dose of perspective.

We attended a holiday party put on by a great organization called Hope's Friends. (The photo above is from that party, with Sadie looking inquisitively at Santa.) The organization, under the Hospice umbrella, provides palliative care to children with life-limiting conditions. Attending the party were children with a variety of different diagnoses and conditions. It was a great reminder that even we need a little perspective from time to time.

Sadie has had a few busy weeks as we wrap up 2011. In addition to the holiday party mentioned above, we've spent time with our dear family and have gotten together with a few close friends for the holidays - all of whom showered Sadie with love and affection. She had her monthly visit to Lekotek (the special needs toy-lending program) where we picked out some great toys for her to play with over the holidays. We also heard back from our local park district, who agreed to install a special needs swing for Sadie at our neighborhood park. We're looking forward to warmer weather so she can enjoy her first time playing on a playground!

As we wrap up another year, I am reminded of all the wonderful people and organizations who have helped our family. From the friends and family who sat bedside with us during Sadie's five hospital stays this year to the volunteers who helped with caring for our lawn while Sadie was in the hospital. We are eternally grateful for everyone's support.

Here's to a happy and HEALTHY 2012.

My Problems > Yours

Recently, while speaking with a group of fellow special needs moms, the topic turned to our shared exasperation at some people's lack of perspective. These moms have kids with some of the most complex medical conditions - feeding tubes, daily seizures, non-verbal, non-mobile, oxygen requirements, etc.

One mom recanted a tale of a text message she received while she and her husband were writing up their daughter's DNR (Do Not Resuscitate) orders. The message of complaint from another mom detailed how her power had just gone out and she and the kids were forced out of the house to wait it out at the local Rainforest Cafe. My fellow special needs mommy wrote back, something to the effect of..."I'm sorry your day has been so hard. We're writing up our daughter's DNR Orders. Talk more later."

We all know these martyrs. The people who respond with a long sigh when you ask how their day is going. Always reminding you of their hardships, trials and tribulations. Even those who have legitimate things to complain about, they're just no fun to be around. I vowed never to be one of them.

Now, I realize that what may sound relatively trivial to me, is in fact, a big deal in these martyrs' lives. But, by about the sixth time I'm hearing about how they're just so worried that little Johnny is still using a pacifier, my head is about to explode. I want so badly to bring them back to reality and remind them that while they are googling the long-term dangers of pacifier reliance, we are debating whether or not we are going to have someone cut into our daughter's skull.

A good friend of mine suggested that this is exactly how I should respond. "Give them a little perspective," she said. No, instead I typically excuse myself from the conversation before I say something I'll regret.

Besides the lack of sleep, our little Sadie has been doing OK for the past few weeks. We are still dealing with seizures every day - but no diastat seizures for about 3 months now (quick prayer to seizure gods). She's still doing well OFF oxygen as well. Our recent challenge has been with feeding. As I mentioned in a previous blog post, we've been to see a second feeding therapist at Children's Memorial Hospital. She's provided us with a few additional tools to use with Sadie during her feeding times - such as a chewy tube (which promotes a natural chewing pattern), a maroon spoon, and a NUK brush.

These tools have provided for a bit more cooperation during feeding, but she'll still have quite a few mealtimes where she simply does not want to open her mouth and/or swallow her food. We've also been slowly introducing Sadie to a sippy cup during her feeding times, but some days she just has an aversion to any type of feeding. Luckily, we've still been able to keep her hydrated and get her daily calories in by using her bottle. We're just keeping at it.

In January, we will visit the docs at Cleveland Clinic again to talk about a possible surgery for Sadie. We were given the option to have surgery performed on this same trip, but decided that we'd need some time to process the conversations to make an informed decision. In the meantime, we're looking forward to spending a lovely Holiday Season with friends and family. And, when I encounter one of these martyrs, I'll just need to remind myself that it's not what happens to you, but how you react to it that matters.

P.S. The photo above is of Sadie meeting Santa for the first time - you can see she's overjoyed!

Giving Thanks

I recently read this post by a fellow parent, and felt inclined to share during this season of Thanksgiving (complete with a little tongue-in-cheek humor).

Ten Reasons to Give Thanks for Your Child With Special Needs (by Terri Mauro)

As if you need a reason! Parents of children with special needs know more than most that every child is a gift worthy of thanks. EVERY ONE, the ones who thrive and the ones who strive, whether they become our legacy or we become theirs. But on those days when there doesn't seem much to be thankful for, or others are suggesting that your child must be just a burden, or well-meaning charities suggest giving thanks for healthy kids, check this list for a smile and a little inspiration.

1. You never have to worry about worrying over nothing.
Let other parents obsess over the frivolous and the shallow. Your child will make sure you always have something worthy to worry about.
2. Developmental delays = more years of hugs, kisses, and little-kid sweetness.
My 13-year-old still wants to sit in my lap, give me hugs, and tell me he loves me. What mom of a sullen teen doesn't secretly wish for the same?
3. Maybe someday, Ty Pennington will come build you a house.
Hey, Extreme Makeover: Home Edition loves families of children with special needs. Your little one may be your ticket to a lavish living space.
4. Any little milestone is a cause to throw a party.
Your child works hard for every step, sit-up and syllable, giving you lots to be excited about.
5. Every day is a learning experience.
Some days it's a pop quiz, some days it's a crash course, but life with your child is always an education, for sure.
6. You have the privilege of putting several doctors' children through college.
After paying for all those appointments, you may feel like a one-family scholarship foundation. Put your child's name on some letterhead and take pride.
7. You meet a better class of parent in waiting rooms and support groups.
Your child frees you from having to hang out with those snotty parents on the playground, and gives you entry into an exclusive club of people who are sensitive, sarcastic, and sure of their priorities.
8. You have an iron-clad escape excuse for any occasion.
You'd love to stay at that boring party, crowded event, endless church service, but, you know, your child just can't tolerate it. (And if sometimes it's you who can't tolerate it -- who's to know?)
9. Coming up with new strategies every day keeps your brain sharp.
They say doing crossword puzzles helps ward off Alzheimer's. Figuring out your child's schedules and treatments and lessons and rights and restrictions must easily provide twice the protection.
10. Your blessings will always be fully counted.
Other parents may take the gifts that their children bring for granted. Not you. Not ever.

The Beat Goes On

At this week's 18 month appointment with Sadie's pediatrician, I saw that her file had been upgraded. Most of the other kids' records are held in file folders. Sadie's records are now held in a large 5-inch three-ring binder. Luckily, we've made only a few additions to that binder recently, as the past few weeks have been relatively stable for Sadie. So we thought we'd take this opportunity to update you on what is going on with certain aspects of her life and general health.

Seizures - Seems like the logical place to start, since they (unfortunately) are such a big part of her life. Sadie is still having between 5-10 clusters of seizures a day. Mostly occurring when she is waking up. The clusters can last up to 10 minutes and vary in intensity. Relatively speaking, this is a better place than where she has been previously. We've now tried nine seizure meds (yes, nine), and have come to the conclusion that it is unlikely that we'll see significant improvement with medication changes alone. So we have been exploring surgical options. More on that to come.

Oxygen - Sadie has been off oxygen for about 2 months. (Yay!) She receives chest physical therapy (CPT) as well as an inhaled steroid (Flovent) twice a day. Chest PT is administered by tapping on her lungs with a little oxygen mask. It works to keep her lungs open and air moving freely. It's such a relief not to cart around oxygen tanks everywhere we go! We've even weaned ourselves off the pulse oximeter monitor (during the day, at least, she's still on it at night).

Eyes - Sadie's last MRI showed a growing cyst behind her right eye (the smaller eye). Her opthomologist will monitor the cyst by viewing her MRIs every 6 months. He is not terribly concerned and advised us that if it does create a problem, he can easily drain it. We did discover some good news recently with the help of Sadie's vision therapist. We now suspect that she does have some light perception in her right eye. Her therapist patched the eye with good vision and waved a light stick in front of Sadie. She promptly reached out and grabbed at it - much to our astonishment. Go Sadie!

Therapy - Sadie's therapy schedule is still going well. She is making strides with her therapies, and we've continued music therapy, and even added a massage therapist once a month! (Too bad massage therapy isn't also for mommy!) Sadie has also been using her stander during physical therapy. The stander is equipment that keeps her upright in a standing position. She stands for about two hours total every day. Because she isn't bearing weight on her own, the weight-bearing position helps for better development of her bones and joints. (The photos above show some of Sadie's activities during physical therapy (standing, sans stander) and swinging in the gym at the therapy center.)

Ketogenic Diet- Sadie has now been on the Ketogenic Diet for the past 15 months. We continue to measure out her food to the precise gram. She is taking her bottle pretty well, and we'll start to transition her onto a sippy cup soon. We've hit a stumbling block trying to get her from pureed foods to foods with a bit more texture. The high fat ratio of the Ketogenic diet has provided some challenges with transitioning to foods with more texture - there are only a few things that have such a high fat content. We're using a few recipes (such as a pancake made with her KetoCal powder, or a little bit of chicken mixed with mayo and avocado). She'll hold the chicken or pancake in her mouth, but won't chew or swallow. We're seeking out some supplemental feeding therapy from Children's Memorial to see if we can overcome this hurdle.

Sleep - Sleep is still a major challenge with Sadie. Her naps during the day rarely last longer than 20 minutes, then she is awakened with a seizure. After 18 months of not sleeping through the night, we put her on a medicine called Neurontin, which has helped slightly. She is still awakening at night with seizures, but will typically go back to sleep. Unfortunately, she rarely sleeps past 6 am. The past few nights, she's been up for the day at 4:45 am and 5:30 am respectively. We are considering hiring a night nurse to monitor her seizures at night so we can get some rest.

Surgery Update - We're still waiting on some test results requested by the doctors at Cleveland Clinic. We're planning another visit to Cleveland in the next month for a consultation with the doctors. If everything goes well, we'll likely schedule Sadie's brain surgery for the beginning of next year.

We're hoping that the upcoming Holiday season continues to proceed smoothly for Sadie. Please pray for no hospital visits or unexpected illnesses. We want to keep that medical record binder as thin as possible!

And the Verdict Is...

Rather anticlimactic. We heard back from Cleveland Clinic a few weeks ago. The docs want to conduct more testing on Sadie to explore the possibility of a metabolic or mitochondrial disorder on top of her Aicardi diagnosis. I mentioned to the doctor that we've gone down this rabbit hole before and come up empty-handed. See previous blog post. So, we're in another waiting game as they review the testing that was done on Sadie a few months back.

Ultimately, Cleveland Clinic believes that they could remove part of her right hemisphere of her brain, the area with most malformation, and yield positive results. However, they want to explore the metabolic/mitochondrial stuff before proceeding. This means we have a little more time to make what will likely be the most important decision of our lives. Unfortunately, it also means that Sadie may need to go through another round of testing. In the meantime, we are becoming more and more impatient as we await doctors to review tests. Have I mentioned that patience is not a virtue I possess?

In the meantime, Sadie is rolling like crazy, and has even started to put some weight into her knees and get her bum up in the air...which is a precursor to crawling! These recent acheivements are likely due to her weekly therapy schedule, and some new therapy gear.

Every morning, Sadie "suits up" in her therapy gear - she wears a SPIO vest under her clothes. The SPIO vest is a compression garment that looks like a little scuba suit. The vest provides her with compression on her trunk so she can start learning to utilize her muscles to sit up on her own. She also wears fancy shorts called "hip helpers." The hip helpers look like biker shorts that are connected in the middle. They help kids with low muscle tone to help their hips develop properly. Finally, she just got AFOs (Ankle Foot Orthotics). They are leg braces that will help Sadie as she begins to bear weight on her feet. Sadie's are pink (of course.) She wears all of this therapy gear every day under her clothes. While it is a pain to put all of these pieces on each morning, we know that they will help Sadie as she grows and develops.

Sadie has also undergone quite a bit of testing this month. A few weeks ago, she had a Urodynamics Study. Her urologist ordered the study to investigate why she has had recurring UTIs (four this year!). We are still awaiting the results, but based on the lab techs comments, she does not reflux urine into her kidneys (this is a good thing), and she is emptying her bladder completely (also a good thing). However, she does tend to hold A LOT of urine. She was able to hold close to 6 ounces during the test.

Sadie also finally had her FEES study. We had to reschedule a few times while Sadie was in a rough patch with her seizures. Similar to a swallow study, the FEES study evaluates swallowing of food and liquid. Sadie performed remarkably well during the study. A small camera was inserted through her nose and down her throat, the camera then watches as she swallowed liquid and baby foods. Unfortunately, the FEES study found that she still aspirates thin liquids, but luckily, she is still able to handle her thickened formula and pureed foods quite well.

On a sad note, we learned this week that another Aicardi family lost their little angel at the age of 12. It always hits us hard to hear this. Additionally, an Aicardi family who we are close to are again in the PICU with their little one. Dad writes a lovely blog, which I have shared before. Sadie has coded once in her life - in February when we were in the trauma room of the ER - and I hope it never happens again. This father's recent post speaks of the crazy place in which we live where we hold our breath each time we step out of our child's hospital room.

We are again reminded to appreciate the little things in life - like Sadie's beautiful smile, the joy we get seeing her roll onto her tummy, and her feisty nature. It makes the waiting game with the doctors a little more bearable. And we are grateful for each day we have to share with her.

Meanwhile in Cleveland...

We recently returned from a visit to Cleveland Clinic. On our way to Cleveland, we stopped in South Bend for a family wedding. Sadie loved interacting with everyone at the wedding - the photos above are from the cocktail hour.

The purpose of our Cleveland visit was to get a second opinion on Sadie's treatment and to see if the docs there would recommend her for surgery. The facility at Cleveland Clinic was breathtaking...a lobby filled with beautiful artwork - even a few Plensas, and a lovely rooftop terrace with views of the Cleveland skyline.

On Day One, we met with Dr. Elaine Wyllie who heads up the Epilepsy Center at Cleveland Clinic. Dr. Wyllie said that their team will only recommend surgery if they truly believe it will be helpful to Sadie. If surgery is not offered, they will provide their input on her treatment and other options to consider. Our goal all along has been to allow Sadie to have the best developmental outcome possible, so that worked for us. After our meeting with the doctor, Sadie checked in to the Epilepsy Monitoring Unit to be hooked up to the Video EEG for the next four days.

The Video EEG process at Cleveland Clinic is quite thorough. From the placement of the sensors on her head, which was precisely mapped out with a measuring tape, to the re-application of sensor conducting gel...the process is quite intensive. As with Sadie's previous video EEGs, we press a button each time we see a seizure. Each time the button is pressed, at least 4 people rush into the room to note the seizure presentation, as well as to ensure the video is capturing the movement accurately. The techs review the entire EEG, both push-button and non-push-button events and note any abnormal activity for the doctors.

We had been informed by our docs at Childrens that Sadie has no sub-clinical seizures (i.e. seizures that we do not see...with no physical presentation.) While her brain waves are a little messy on her EEG, the lack of subclinical seizures was re-confirmed at Cleveland Clinic, which is comforting to know. They did mention that her brain waves during sleep are pretty active, which could explain her horrible sleep patterns.

For at least two hours after Sadie was admitted, a steady stream of hospital staff was in and out of the room - doctors, nurse practitioners, dietitians, technicians. The anesthesiologist reviewed instructions for Sadie's PET scan the following day - no food after 4 am. This presents a challenge as all her meds are given in a bottle of formula at 6:30...so for each day we were there, we were waking up at an ungodly hour to feed her and give meds. We had to laugh when the nurse, seeing Sadie asleep at 8 pm on the first day, asked "So, is she out for the night?" Don't we wish!

Sadie's first test was a PET Scan. A solution was injected through her IV. The tech mentioned that they would monitor her awake brain waves for 30 minutes prior to going under anesthesia. I swear, as soon as she heard that she needed to stay awake, her eyes promptly shut. That's our Sadie for you...always battling authority. This started a 30 minute circus act of mommy loudly singing songs, playing with toys, wet washcloths, tummy time...whatever I could do to keep her awake. Unfortunately, I was only moderately successful.

Sadie was put under anesthesia for all three of her tests. On Wednesday, Sadie had her first ICTAL SPECT test. For this test, a radioisotope was injected via IV at the onset of a seizure, and her brain was scanned to determine where the seizure originated. On Thursday, the same test and scan was conducted during non-seizure brain activity to get a baseline. We were informed that the radioactive isotope would leave Sadie's body through her urine, so she had blue radioactive diapers for 48 hours.

This morning of Sadie's first Ictal SPECT test, the nurse sat by Sadie's bedside and waited for seizure activity. Luckily for her, Sadie cooperated and had a seizure in the first 30 minutes. Unfortunately, when the nurse injected the radioactive isotope, a little of it spilled out of Sadie's IV...so the docs needed to calculate how much got into her system. So, this took a little more time, but it also got Sadie into anesthesia for the scan a little quicker.

Before we left Cleveland, the doctor revealed that she thinks surgery might be an option for Sadie. She was initially cautious about surgery because her brain abnormalities are in both hemispheres, and she shows abnormal EEG activity from both sides. But she mentioned that based on the test results she's seen thus far, she thinks she can identify an area of the brain that could be removed to improve her seizures and developmental outcome, while preserving most of the vision in her left eye.

Vision has always been one of our major concerns with surgery. Removing the right hemisphere of her brain would also impair the vision in her left eye - the eye that has good vision. Sadie gets such pleasure from visual interaction, we are hesitant to take this away...even partially. Of course this is a preliminary assessment, and we will hear their final recommendation after the entire team has had a chance to review her info during their Patient Management Conference.

So now we wait...

Overall, we were very pleased with the staff, nurses, and doctors at Cleveland Clinic. We are anxious to hear the final set of recommendations this week after the doctors' conference on Tuesday. Sadie definitely earned an "S" on her chest - which will make her Supergirl Halloween costume even more appropriate this year.

That's How I Roll.

Well, we figured out the mystery from the last blog post. Like I mentioned, for the past few weeks Sadie had been acting restless and was just not her smiley, interactive self. Feeling exhausted and defeated, we took her to the ER at Children's upon the advice of her pediatrician. Boy am I glad we did. Her bloodwork showed that her Dilantin level was 3x higher than it should be. Dilantin toxicity is the official term. Symptoms include darting eye movements, dizziness, nausea, etc...this explains why Sadie had been out of sorts.

She was admitted to the cardiac floor where they did a STAT EKG to monitor her heart. She was in the hospital for a total of 4 days until her Dilantin level dropped back into the normal range. Dilantin is a tricky medicine to get a good level in kiddos due to the fluctuation in metabolism. But, we are hesitant to give it up since it's one of the few medicines that has had a positive effect on her seizures.

We are excited to have our Sadie back. She has been giving Mommy and Daddy wonderful toothy grins lately. While visiting her Grandma last weekend, she rolled over for the very first time! Of course she did it while Mommy was out of the room...but we were able to capture it in the video above. Now that two of her grandchildren have rolled over at her house for the very first time, Grandma is convinced that Grandpa Chris in heaven is giving the babies a little nudge.

We've also just returned from our visit to Cleveland Clinic with Sadie. We'll post more about the experience later this week. For now, we're cherishing the moment we are in with Sadie.

An Enigma Wrapped in a Riddle

"It is a riddle, wrapped in a mystery, inside an enigma; but perhaps there is a key." - Winston Churchill

We always say "if it's not one thing, it's another." Miss Sadie continues to be a mystery. The seizures are relatively low (well, for Sadie's standards), but she has not been herself lately. She is restless, irritable, not eating and sleeping well. She is also not as interactive as she once was. It's been about 2 weeks since we've seen a smile (very un-Sadie-like). This lack of recognition and interactivity just tugs at the heartstrings, especially because this was once one of her strengths. We're trying to figure it all out, but it's as if we have 12 puzzle pieces from 12 different puzzles.

We thought we solved one piece of the puzzle when the docs found another UTI last week. Yes, her fourth UTI...which we think is happening because she tends to hold her urine for hours on end, then bacteria builds up and before you know it, another infection.

However, we are now on day 4 of antibiotics and Sadie has not gone back to her happy-go-lucky self. My current theories are a Dilantin level that is way too high (when in doubt, blame the Dilantin) or a side effect of weaning the vigabatrin (maybe it was doing more than we thought).

Sadie's oxygen requirements have also been up and down. She'll do great for a few days off oxygen, then for some unknown reason, she'll need it again. We had a great appointment last week with Mary Massery, a PT who specializes in kiddos with respiratory issues. Since Sadie has developed her propensity for oxygen, Mary's name has been brought up by numerous people. She is in such high demand, that it took 6 months to even get in to see her! She was able to provide some great recommendations for Sadie. Maybe we can get her off this oxygen once and for all!

The biggest news of the past few weeks is that we've heard back from the doctors at Cleveland Clinic regarding a second opinion on Sadie's treatment and possible surgery. We will be traveling there in early October for some testing and a surgical evaluation. While she is there, Sadie will meet with Dr. Elaine Wyllie and will undergo a PET Scan and an ICTAL SPECT . The ICTAL SPECT is a test where dye is injected during the onset of a seizure, the dye pinpoints the location of the seizure activity in the brain. It can be very helpful for doctors in surgical planning.

Sadie will be hooked up to a Video EEG in the Epilepsy Monitoring Unit during her entire stay at Cleveland Clinic. This will enable the docs to capture as much brain activity as possible.

We hope and pray that this team of doctors can help us determine the right path for Sadie's treatment. Perhaps they can find the key to unwrap this mystery.

A Dose of Honesty

Recently, I received a Facebook message from a family who was considering adopting a newborn baby with Aicardi Syndrome. I don't know why the biological parents were giving up their daughter. Perhaps it was a decision they made before they realized this baby would have medical complications. Hopefully, it was not a decision made after the fact.

It struck me as amazing that there are people out there who would actually VOLUNTEER for this life. I came to the conclusion that this family must be truly special to accept a child with such severe special needs. As hard as it is to admit, if given the choice, I honestly can't say I would do the same.

It doesn't mean I don't love my precious Sadie for the special little baby she is. However, as she gets older and her disabilities are more visible, I struggle with how to respond to questions about her. After seeing Sadie in her baby wheelchair with an oxygen tank and pulse oximeter underneath, a man in the store asked "What's wrong with her?" I was taken aback. He likely was not aware of the insensitivity of his question. I stopped in mid-aisle and stood there for a few seconds, unsure of what to say. I finally uttered quietly, "Oh, she just needs a little oxygen," and scurried away before he could ask anything else. After thinking it through, a simple explanation "She has a rare neurological condition called Aicardi Syndrome," would have sufficed.

We did not ask for this life. Sometimes I feel like the deer-in-the-headlights cartoon character who is the only one in line who didn't take a step back. When people say "I don't know how you do it." I simply respond, "She is my daughter. You would do the same."

For the past few days, Sadie has been off the oxygen. She needed it, again, for a few weeks post-hospital. We have also seen some improvement with her seizure activity after a recent Dilantin increase. However, she is restless, not sleeping, and not eating very well. (Which means Mommy and Daddy are averaging about 4 hours of sleep a night.) If it's not one thing, it's another.

As for this special family and their unselfish desire to adopt this precious baby, the biological parents ultimately chose another adoptee family for the baby. I can only hope this special child went to a family who will cherish her for the beautiful angel she is.